The Quiet

Daily flooded with words and images from friends and strangers, whether my Facebook home page, Instagram or my BBC application of tailored world news, I found my own voice increasingly... silent. 

What could I say that has not already been 'shared' and 'liked' and debated? I follow encouraging and beautiful blogs of friends and strangers and often, they say it much, much better. I genuinely enjoy being a 'part' of friends lives on Facebook and Instagram as they share pictures and status updates in the midst of their daily living. I think we can all relate to the seasons of wedding pictures, baby pictures, exhausted parent status updates.. I love it all. The connecter in me thrives on knowing how people are doing and noting those milestones in their lives. 

This summer in the lush Missouri valley, home to the sweet German town, Hermann, Jon and I celebrated one year of marriage. One evening we sat near an outside fire, roasting marshmallows and savoring the stars, the chocolate, the evening fog, and our friendship. We had joked that this past year would be our 'Old Testament Year' where we intentionally focused on nurturing our fledgeling marriage in season of travel. We left our 'normal'  in community and went the road less traveled, choosing to put most of our belongings in storage and make home together.. on the journey. 

Sunrise, Hermann, MO

As we sat reflecting on our fire lit evening, the treasures of this past year could not be measured. 

I am the self-nominated social networker in our marriage, and certainly post my share of pictures and up-dates, mainly for family benefit. But, for a girl who loves to journal and write, this past year has been very quiet. I believe that was one of the treasures for me.

God gave us this year of adventure, laughter, bonding over hotel cooking, tears at leaving new good friends, loneliness for community, camping escapades, dining disasters and the eternal coffee shop searches. And I have held it all close to my heart. 

As much as we reflected on this past year, we also daydreamed about tomorrow. We chuckled over the reality that we have less answers now and more questions about what the future holds. But we also have less anxiety. We know that we have hard days ahead... but so many beautiful moments to uncover, new faces to embrace, growing and aging... and really, an eternity of adventuring. 

Almost as if marking the one year point, my fingers started that familiar itch, seeking to communicate to write, to share. 

And so here I am, with a new season of stories and a new city and itchy fingers, I mean, blogging intentions. And not just for friends and family, but actually... for me. 

I am still learning the balance of quiet and sound. I believe this year of quiet soul rest and journeying has imprinted in me a sweet delight in holding some moments so very close. And that is a good thing. But we were not designed to keep it all quiet and that is also a good thing. I find myself stretching in new ways in this freedom to invite others, into our real life, with the hilarious mishaps, the well water sad, and the exultant joys. 

Common Birds

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:25-34

Andrew Kiss - Canadian nature artis

Common birds fill the bush in front of our little town apartment this morning. I opened the window to enjoy the April air and their constant chatter.  But when I was not warm enough with my slippers, blanket and a sweater, I closed the window back up. Spring is mostly here. But winter is still holding her hand.

My lonely bird feeder waited almost three weeks for visitors. Locals and husband both assured me that it was still much too cold for there to be any birds to invite. But I could not help feeling a portion of the jilted host. I daydreamed that I would become a sanctuary to lovely rare birds and I was giddy when my eyes caught the first feathered friend perched on the green feeder. A small chickadee but no sweeter chickadee had I ever seen. 

Much to my surprise, birds did not flock to the feeder but seemed more interested in the seeds that had fallen to the ground. Hoping to attract more birds and not lose the ones who had come, I gayly spread seeds into the bushes like an old woman in the park making friends with a gaggle of pigeons. Happily, the birds appeared in twos then fours and finally I was in the double digits. A cardinal pair (a nest must be nearby), a Titmouse, a Chickadee, a male American Robin dashing in and out and a small flock of a familiar but unknown to me bird. 

I watched them with my binoculars for a few days, ducking near to the sink to pretend I was doing dishes if a neighbor walked by. These little brown, white, black and chestnut red colored birds looked like an exciting family reunion with the feisty young and dominating mature and gossipy girls and wrestling young. After a deliberation in my bird identification book, this former country girl identified the common House Sparrow. 

I felt deflated. All that hard work of laying out a feast and it is being poured down the throats of the city bird nuisance. But I couldn't help myself and continued to spread a handful here and there beneath the bushes for this jovial crowd. I thought about this tiny bird and considered the words of Jesus. He reminded us that if God notices and cares for these little birds, how much more does he care for us?

Between work, cooking, laundry, dishes and phone chats, I continued to return to the windows to observe the House Sparrow flock. I am amazed at how animated and feisty these tiny birds are. I read that they often mate for life and are aggressively protective of their nesting area and have been observed attacking many other species or even stealing another songbirds nest. There are a number of articles on how to trap them and rid your area of their presence. Sparrows are said to be one o the most common animals on the planet. Overwhelmingly, they are frowned upon as a pest who thrive where humans are. 

"Without question the most deplorable event in the history of American ornithology was the introduction of the English Sparrow." -W.L. Dawson, The Birds of Ohio, 1903

As a fledgeling birder, I obviously have a lot to learn in how to care for an urban feeder and protect the song birds native to the area. 

But I am still impressed with some thoughts through my observation of these birds. We are really not so different. Hunting for the best seeds and best homes. Preening in the sun. Gossiping loudly in one corner of the bush and wrestling with testosterone charged hormones in the other corner. When one bird has found a succulent seed, everyone else must investigate and try and get a piece of it for themselves. Dust baths and loud and subdued cheeps, flitting and flapping through the day. 

Common bird - besides the population numbers, I find its social attitude is also strikingly common. And yet, on close inspection, each tiny common sparrow has its own unique blueprint. There is the fluffy female who shyly waits in the bush and when no one is looking hops into the bird bath. A mature male does not seem interested in food but sits at the highest point like a king surveying his domain. A juvenile dust bathes without concern. A rowdy male harasses male and female alike. A larger female sunbathes happily on the pavement. 

I marvel to think that humanity, which has also been likened to being a nuisance to the native habitat, with all of is jostling commonality, remains exquisitely unique. Each person with varied vibrancies and subtleties of their individual blueprint. 

There is an incredible longing in us to be noticed and liked.. and loved. We adore celebrities with a special brand of jealousy to be so adored. We accolade the successes of the brilliant and even build pedestals for the philanthropic. We do not want to be seen as uncommon and yet we share this common longing to be noticed. 

We search for it in every area of our life from career to relationship. Notice me. Like me. Love me. Why is this the case? Evolution of survival of the fittest? There is some truth to that... but Jesus. The most uncommon of common men. He came unnoticed in an animal shelter and returned to heaven through a glorious journey in the clouds. 

I consider these two truths. God did not find it beneath Him to be swaddled in a feed trough, or to be a carpenter or friend of prostitutes or even to die on a cross. But more uncommon can not be imagined in his personality. And this incredible uncommon God imagined us, with all of our individual uniqueness. And He notices us. Scripture tells us he knows the number of hairs on our heads. He knows the number of our thoughts and bottles our tears in a jar. He notices and he loves. 

   

Pinterest: traps and tips and thoughts on friendships.

A cup of coffee I enjoyed with my Pinterest cookies.

Before the internet we only visited libraries with volumes of resources and treasured our great-grandmother's recipes and only shared with friends. Not Facebook friends or Twitter or Instagram followers.. friends. People you knew and trusted and when they told you that they have the best chocolate-chip recipe, you believed them. Or, maybe they brought you those cookies and you tasted them for yourself and begged for the recipe and they gladly shared it with you.

It is so easy to look over my shoulder into nostalgia-ville and long for the 'simple life.' But while some things remain the same, we can't go back in time. We have the present to live in and the future to look forward to. Our world has changed and the incredible amount of resources at our fingertips constantly grows. What is a simple girl to do? If you can't beat them, join them? Really? Honestly, I wrestle with my own personal use of internet/social media, web surfing, television watching, and android app finding. Working from home has not helped me moderate my technology intake. 

No Technology-----------------------------------------------------------------me--------------------Technology

If I were to truthfully plot my intake, it would be leaning much further into the electronically overstimulated region than I would want anyone to know. 

You want to be freaked out into a good old fashioned 'technology fast?' Google, 'technology overstimulation,' and read some of the scary research on the poverty of friendships, attention, and intelligence that we are experiencing as a culture. And predictions are that it is only going to get worse. 

At one point, I smirked at all the busy little Pinterest-ers and thought it the funniest thing that people would be pinning pictures nilly willy and not, you know, just living life. Enjoying each beautiful moment and not constantly comparing and envying what the other Pinterest-er and internet neighbor has. But I finally dipped my feet in the Pinterest pond before my wedding. And you know what? I found so many helpful and creative ideas on Pinterest. And, since that time, I have intermittently created boards that are slowly filling with interesting ideas and delicious looking and tasting recipes. But not all of them have been as tasty or easy as the recipe declared. 

Besides the traps of over-comparing and the scary over-stimulation of my mind... it is very difficult to know if 'this' is really the 'best way to grow an herb garden indoors,' or the 'top five gifts your man wants and hasn't told you,' or 'THE chocolate chip cookie.' I don't know most of these pinners or people and they certainly don't know the top five gifts that Jon wants and hasn't told me. 

Is there a place of balance? Can I use the incredible resources of the great wide web and not get trapped in the pit falls? I know that the place of balance starts with honesty and continual self-evaluation. 

The internet is a new world that our generation is pioneering and building upon. We have an incredible responsibility to take really good care of the gifts we have been given and prepare this place for the next generation. Technology (specifically: internet, social media..) should be used as a tool, resource, and healthy form of communication. Some questions I am asking myself to help me evaluate if I have lost perspective on what role this kind of technology should play in my life are:

1. Where am I at on my technology intake scale? 

No Technology----------------------------------------------------------------me---------------------Technology

2. Is this where I want to be? Why or why not? In what practical ways can I change this?

3. Does this [insert activity] generate feelings of contentment or envy and dissatisfaction?

4. Does this [insert activity] generate thoughts of judgement or self-condemnation?

5. Read reviews of recipes and DIY projects and products. Beware of the vindictive reviewer. Good reviews often including 'pros and cons' and alternative ideas. 

6. Before posting anything on social media, ask yourself if this is information that you would want a stranger to see and know about you, much less an acquaintance or co-worker. Keep your privacy settings up-dated but realize that nothing is really private on the internet.

7. Do not post pictures or information about some one else (even if you think they wouldn't mind) with out asking permission first (this is an area I am still growing in). 

8. Cultivate hobbies that do not have anything to do with technology (i.e. running, bird watching, gardening, cross stitching...).

9. Protect 'no technology zones.' Do not check Instagram on your phone while having lunch with a friend (and that includes your spouse-they are your best friend). Turn the T.V. off when you are having dinner. Let music be your background noise. Don't become legalistic about this rule but don't become too casual about it either. You never want to sacrifice friendship and quality time for mindless technology input. 

10. Have a daily quiet time. Right now, working from home in a strange city, this should be a very easy thing for me to do. Yet, somehow, it often gets pushed to later and later in the day until that point when I realize that Jon is going to be home and I forgot to pre-heat the oven for our Pinterest recipe dinner. Set aside a specific time, at least ten minutes, where you quiet your mind and heart and have things put in a right perspective. For me, this happens in reading Scripture and prayer. 

I will have you know that day time television has been playing most of the morning while I lazily put a few dishes away, pulled laundry out of the dryer to make myself feel like I was 'doing the laundry,' and some work e-mails were sent so that I could continue to feel productive. 

Finally sitting down with my Bible and a study on 1 John, I closed my eyes in a moment of quietness and felt the peace of and joy of being me, in this moment, messy me... but so very loved me. I turned off the TV (which was muted.. why did I even have it on?) and turned on the musical brilliance of Dexter Britain. I don't want to abandon the good gifts I have been given. In this season, one of the greatest gifts I have been given is time. How to be a good steward of my gifts is something I know I will continue to mature in. At least, I pray I keep maturing!

Technology over-stimulation and my own embarrassing consumption has been a continually mulled over thought for me the past few weeks. I am so grateful for the way that God loves me in the messy process and the perspective He gave me today. 

By the way, I read some really great reviews last week about a chocolate chip recipe. And, after following the recipe exactly as directed, these cookies barely made it on to the pan the dough was so delicious. My handsome, hunky husband, and our land-lady and the land-lady's husband agree with me, maybe not THE chocolate chip cookie.. but a really, really good cookie... one worth sharing, with friends. 

In case you are interested in trying it out for yourself: 

http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2012/08/06/the-chocolate-chip-cookie/

The cozy studio apartment is full of morning quiet, interrupted by intermittent snores from my husband and the tiny click, clicking of my keyboard.

I have only had two calls to triage in the past hour and I am holding my breath for the usual Saturday morning rush as children wake up with fevers, rashes, coughs, diarrhea, vomit and the sprinkling of strange calls from one state to the next, one household to the next. I pause to take a sip of my coffee as I consider that thought. It is difficult to predict call volume and in my experience, calls come in waves. I and the other nurse(s) swim furiously for a few minutes and then we have time to rest our feet in the sand before the next wave. But, sometimes, sometimes we marathon swim. This is nothing new to me or anyone else in the nursing world. What is new to me is applying my nursing experience to the amazing and strange world of tele-triage... and doing it all in my pajamas.

This post will be a disjointed as I ride the waves of calls and communicate with the nurse on my shift this morning. They have two of us working this morning because of licensing issues. Together we can cover all the practices.

My calm wave lasted for the first hour or so of my early Saturday shift and then, as I anticipated, the calls crashed in. Thankfully, I work with a great team of nurses and our management was able to log on and help us with the call volume. But now, as I sip on my second cup of coffee and unwind from a busy call shift, I can't remember what I had planned to write about in this blog post?

I have so very much to learn in this growing and unique tele-triage world, but I am loving the challenge of meeting people in the midst of crisis and reaching through the phone with comfort and help.

It is now Monday morning and the clock above the microwave is one minute behind my computer time at 4:47am. I have been 'on' since 2am and am enjoying some quiet worship music in this little reprieve. I am listening through my headset, of course, and quiet enough that I can still faintly hear Jon's soft snores.

I blink my eyes and tuck my fuzzy blanket around my toes. It feels strange to be awake at this hour. It is a contradiction to have the tranquil wee morning sprinkled with sleepy and concerned parents calls. I am the only nurse working this morning (though there is a nurse on-call that I can text if it becomes too busy for me to handle).

And yet, even as I marvel at the strangeness of this position, I am filled with a feeling of thankfulness. It wraps around me in a way this blanket can't. To help people from my couch while my husband sleeps in our little studio apartment feels like a dream. But it is a very good dream.

I reflect on some of my craziest caffeine fueled days as a pediatric nurse before Jon and I got married... and I smile with fondness and relief. I love being nurse but I am awed and relieved by how God led me through those hectic and sometimes stressful days to this point. Without that experience, I could not do what I am doing now.

Truly, there is no wasted time with our Lord.

Something about early mornings fills my heart with worship and I am reminded of a favorite verse:

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." My times are in your hand.." (Psalm 31)

I am chuckling silently at this odd blog post. I am sure that sleep depravation helps with some of these wandering thoughts. But I don't mind, as long as I continue to wander to thoughts of such a good God and such a good life, with all of its mountains and valleys. Always God is my sweet oasis.
'
If you are weary, if you are discouraged.. rest in this truth, take courage in this reality: God SEES you and He means GOOD for you. However it looks right now, God sees you and your situation with loving and eternal eyes that are, even now, weaving the strands of your 'times' together in such a beautiful tapestry.